Fredericton — A small group of pharmacists have received provincial funding for their practice of administering surprise flu shots on unwitting people. For the past 6 years, they have been pricking pedestrians and hiding needles in haystacks across the province in hopes of eradicating all strains of the the flu virus in New Brunswick.
“At first, we worked strictly undercover,” said Andrew Murphy, vice-chair of this branch of the Canadian Pharmacists Association. “We used hit the local crack houses and dive-bars selling what we advertised as heroin, but in reality were just regular old flu shots. We called it a ‘Flugazi.’ Eventually, we got so good at this brand of surprise inoculation that we thought we ought to expand our practice.”
In the years since, this tactical force of pharmacists, calling themselves the “Vacc Pack,” has delivered surprise vaccinations to more than a thousand New Brunswickers. Murphy says that administering unsolicited flu shots is easier now than ever, since most people are too absorbed in their smartphones to notice the pharmacists sneaking up behind them.
The Vacc Pack can be seen almost every night at the Starbucks beside Shoppers mapping out their plan of attack. Last night, Murphy himself was at the centre of the table, facilitating the meeting and assigning routes. To his left sat Frannie “Flu-Fighter” Migginis, and on his right was Frankie “The Kid” Curetti — the quickest shot in town. Across the table there was also a non-verbal man holding a syringe in each hand and giggling madly.
“We call him ‘Twofer Terry,’” said Murphy, chuckling. “He goes around looking for couples and hits them both at once. Pow-Pow!”
Since the Vacc Pack secured its government funding, they have garnered an impressive array of tricks and gadgets to inflict their immunizations on an unsuspecting public, including long-range flu darts, a vacc-mobile and a pricking time-bomb. “And those are just the over-the-counter devices,” Frankie The Kid said proudly.
If the group continues to vaccinate at its current rate, over half of the province is expected to be inoculated by the end of November. The Vacc Pack wishes to inform New Brunswickers that even if they don’t catch the flu this season, they will most certainly catch a needle.