New Brunswick — After much fretting, fear and fanfare, the 2020 presidential election is finally here. While Canadian citizens have no ability to vote in the matter, they are very much affected by the decision, and have taken efforts to make their voices heard.
For New Brunswick, these efforts have been entirely concentrated on the province’s nearest U.S. neighbour, Maine, which voted Democrat in 2016, but did so by a very narrow margin.
“We’re willing to try anything to get Maine to vote sensibly,” said Sarah Lipman, head of the New Brunswick chapter of the Formally United Canadian Knowledge Tribunal Resolved to Unseat Malefic President. “And I do mean anything.”
Does this statement carry a sexual implication?
“What? Ew, no,” said Lipman, wrinkling up her face into a surprised expression. “Are you kidding? Gross.”
This week, the Tribunal put together a brief declaration signed by Lipman and several thousand other New Brunswickers. It reads as follows:
If the state of Maine votes Democrat in the 2020 presidential election, be it resolved that New Brunswick pledges to:
A) Be your best friend.
B) Be your slaves for a whole entire week (we know how much Americans likes slaves).
C) Concede that Maine lobster is better than New Brunswick lobster, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Despite the province’s best efforts, there remains a plausible scenario in which the state votes for incumbent candidate and village idiot Donald Trump. Is there a contingency plan for this?
“We’ll see how the night progresses,” said Lipman, gently patting a big red box that read “Acme™ Molotov Cocktails,” while giving a thin-lipped smile. “If begging isn’t working by 9 o’clock, we’ll consider switching tactics.”