New Brunswick — The province is expecting a major drop in forestry royalty revenue in the coming year due to an unexpected glut of wood in the market.
“The wood is all there,” said Natural Resources Minister Denis Landry, “we just need to figure out how to sell it.”
Landry announced that he has started a campaign to re-brand the New Brunswick wood industry. He believes that with the right marketing, the province can put a whole new face on local logging.
“We need to bring a fresh, energetic approach to wood,” said Lionel Handler, a fresh and energetic advertising guru flown in from New York to head the campaign. “We need to let people know that this isn’t their grandpa’s wood we’re dealing with here.”
In order to roll out this new marketing plan, Handler gathered some of the province’s top brand strategists at the government offices to brainstorm new ideas for improving wood sales.
“Now, I want every one to just toss out some slogan ideas. Just shout out the first thing that pops in your head,” he told the group.
“We’ve got good wood!”
“Wood… Woody… Allen?”
“Trees! Tree bark… has bite!”
“Lots of, uh… lots of wood. Ah, shit.”
The group continued to spitball ideas for the next 7 hours before presenting their concept before the Natural Resources ministry. They met in the ministry’s boardroom, where Handler had written the words “Wood Tea” onto the whiteboard.
“Wood Tea: The future of the New Brunswick wood industry,” said Handler, proudly. “It’s simple — just a small piece of wood that you can place in a cup of boiled water. It will be packaged and sold in a variety of different flavours, including ‘Canadian Oak,’ ‘Winter Spruce’ and ‘Morning Wood.’ We’re confident that it will be served in every café in the country by the end of this year.”
Shocked and angered by the stupidity of this idea, Landry demanded to know how Handler and and his team expected to sell such such an unappealing product to customers.
“Social media,” he replied, winking as though he’d said something useful.