New Brunswick — The calendar may say spring, and the few warm days seen across the province a couple of weeks ago probably persuaded many New Brunswickers to break out their barbecues, get the lawn furniture out and dust off their best camouflage tank top they got for free with a case of Alpine last year.
But, it may be a good idea to pack all that shit up, get the parkas out of storage and gas up the snowblowers, because winter is back and it ain’t goin’ nowhere.
“This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole entire life!” cried Susanne Jenkins of Fredericton. “And I’ve seen a lot of dumb things — I teach Grade 1 and those kids are super dumb.”
That sentiment was shared by Frederictonian Roger Andrews, who told The Manatee how his plans are being hampered by this over-extended winter.
“I just want warm weather and sunshine, man,” he said. “I want to be able to get drunk on my patio, go to the beach and get drunk, and take long, drunken walks along the river, and go golfing so I can get drunk and just sit around and, you know, get drunk. This snow makes it so the only thing I can do is watch TV and get drunk — I mean it’s all right, but not ideal.”
A meteorologist from Environment Canada admitted that he actually has no idea when New Brunswick should expect to see the last of the snow.
“If I were to guess, I’d say never,” said Norman Loggins who repeatedly told our reporter he’s not related to Kenny. “We’re getting to a spot where it’s hard to say if this is the last snowfall of this season or the first snowfall of the next season — but no, I won’t say that we’re in the ‘danger zone’ like you keep asking me to.”
Our reporter was able to find one disgusting couple who were seemingly loving their time together while snowshoeing in Odell Park.
“We thought we’d seen our last beautiful snowshoeing day,” expressed Gloria Higgins. “But, luckily we’ve gotten another and I for one hope it’s not the last — I just love this gorgeous snow and I would love for it to stay this way the whole…”
It seemed as though Higgins was about to say “year,” but she was pushed down the hill by a passerby who overheard her talking about “the wonderful glory” of this late snowfall.
Ah well, you could always move to Vancouver Island. No snow here.