Bangor — While returning from a holiday shopping spree, Saint John residents Janice McCarty and Renee Jones had the misfortune of being caught up in a crowd waiting for a stump speech from 2016 American presidential candidate Donald Trump. Needless to say, the New Brunswickers were taken aback by the Republican nominee’s comments:
“Where do you think the cold comes from? I think we not only need an incredible wall to protect our great nation from Canada, but we also need fantastic heat jets, like at the entrance doors to the Whole Foods in Trump Tower, to warm you up when Americans, and friends of America, enter our country.
“They are coming through our borders, they are coming through our Internet! When I’m president — and I will be — I will close our borders and Bill Gates will help me close the Internet.”
The would-be president continued his crazed speech: “Canadians work for me; I do business with Canadians. Many, many deals for maple syrup have crossed my desk. But now, today, we are under attack. Look, they’ve already tried unsuccessfully invading New England with Tim Hortons! I have it on good account that Tim Horton’s real name is Osama Bin Horton. The polls, just released today, show I am very strong against the Canadians.”
The New Brunswick women could not believe their ears as Trump just kept going. “Some of them, I assume, are good people. Like my friends Ryan Gosling and Jim Carrey. Jim came to my wedding and he was tremendously hilarious. But there is no doubt that many Canadians are not on our side; I and many others have tweeted that they witnessed thousands of Canadians cheering AGAINST American teams!”
McCarty and Jones managed to elbow their way out of the crowd, with hurried comments to a Manatee reporter who was there for some reason. “I just hope we don’t have to pay much duty. This speech is crazy and that man is crazy. I just want to get back home before somebody pulls out a gun — as far as we know there hasn’t been a mass shooting yet today.”