New Brunswickers say only good thing about election: People’s Alliance finally going away

New Brunswick — With only a week to go until New Brunswickers inconveniently mask-up to go cast a ballot, there is still at least one encouraging aspect of the 2020 provincial election — the impending collapse of the People’s Alliance.

After two years of exploiting linguistic tensions to weasel himself into partially holding the balance of power, leader Kris Austin is forlorn and fatalistic about his impending decent into irrelevance.

“Well, I kept my handful of aggrieved white Anglo boomers happy as long as possible,” he frowned. “But at the end of the day, the Trump playbook can only take you so far in New Brunswick. I never did accomplish my goal of ‘bringing back our core values…’ err, I mean ‘CoR values.'”

When asked what caused the collapse of the Alliance’s meager support since the 2018 election, political scientist Malcolm Richardson believes current events definitely played a key role.

“You can convince people that bilingualism and duality are the biggest problems in the world for a while, but when an actual problem comes along — like a freaking pandemic — it tends to give people a little perspective on what’s really important. The Alliance is not who we are as a province.

“Austin won’t get asked to cross the floor by any other party if he manages to keep his seat. No one wants that kind of toxic negativity and dog-whistle anti-French bullshit on their team.

“You never know, with the experience he gained he might someday land himself a good government job somewhere in the province,” Richardson posited. “That said, it wouldn’t be a very senior position… unless he bothers to learn French that is.”