Miramichi — As the premiers conclude their meeting with the newly minted Prime Minister on the hot topic of climate change, some New Brunswickers are admitting that they are secretly fine with it. While human activity continues to turn up the heat on the planet, many residents of the Picture Province are not only OK with the change, but looking for ways to accelerate it.
“Memo to Premier Gallant — don’t try too hard to make this whole emissions reduction thing happen,” said Miramichi resident Robert Robichaud. “I know global warming is real and it’s caused by people, so I really do get it. I just think it’s awesome! Look, I know it’s not politically correct to say this, but after last winter I’m totally OK with cranking up the planet’s temperature a couple of degrees. Actually, any idea how we get that up from 2 to, say… 5 degrees? That would be amazing!”
When asked about the global consequences of a 5-degree temperature increase, Robichaud was unmoved. “I just went out to start the car, and it’s already cold enough to freeze the balls off a lobster! It’s not even officially winter yet either. We need some climate warming now — the sooner, the better!”
Sentiments like Robichaud’s stand in stark contrast to the position of both the current and previous provincial governments. In 2014, the previous Progressive Conservative government released the Climate Change Action Plan, which is still officially the policy for the province. Also, postings on the Department of Environment’s website warn of the effects of climate change. The negative consequences include an increase in extreme weather events, reduced snow pack (25 percent in the north, 50 percent in the south), a 50- 60-centimetre rise in sea level, increased forest fires, coastal erosion and flooding as well as affecting groundwater availability.
“I’m sorry,” admitted Campbellton resident Luc Michaud. “I stopped listening at reduced snow. I broke my snowblower 3 times last winter. You know, nothing’s perfect. Sometimes you got to take the good with the bad. It’s like the hangover after a wicked party, or a spending spree on your credit cards until you get the bill, or a venereal disease after a sex party. Sometimes to enjoy the good aspects you have to put up with a few warts, so to speak.”
Michaud concluded, “If we want climate change to continue, we all have do our share. Turn on all of the lights in your house, replace CFLs with old-school bulbs, open your windows and turn up your heat, leave your trucks and SUVs idling whenever possible, take 4 showers a day, leave your fridge door open and consume as much beef as you can — cows produce a lot of methane. If we all do our part, maybe it won’t be so goddamned cold this winter.”
Climate change is the reason we had such a crazy winter. Also the reason why it’s not called global warming anymore. Our collective endangerment as a species is not a joke.