New Brunswick — Over the past two weeks, wait times in several provincial emergency rooms have skyrocketed, while several hospitals have closed their ERs altogether. Priority is given to those with the most immediately pressing medical concerns.
So what are people doing to combat this? Primarily, they’re shooting themselves, hoping that this will be a more expedient way of seeing a doctor.
“Yeah, it’s already starting to heal quite nicely,” said patient David Oates, rubbing his fingers over his swollen bullet wound. “It was painful, I’m not going to lie to you, but when the nurses saw it, they ushered me right in.
“Then, when they were dressing the wound, I got my chance to ask, ‘Hey doc, while I’m here, do you mind giving my nuts a quick feel?’”
Needless to say, local health officials are strongly discouraging patients from this tactic.
“First of all, I need to repeat: do not shoot yourself just to get admitted faster to the hospital,” said general practitioner Dr. Coppertone, pointing to a diagram with a ballpoint pen. “If you do, however, the shots are far less likely to be fatal here, here, and here.”
The crisis has been blamed on the current dearth of doctors and nurses in the province. This has led political thinkers to wonder whether this will shock the province into implementing a government more receptive to medical spending.
“Hell no,” said Oates, popping an Advil. “You think I’m going to let them Liberals take my guns?”