New Brunswick — What’s the number one thing that New Brunwickers have been enjoying since becoming fully vaccinated? Lots of unprotected sex.
A recent survey polled only the fully vaccinated population, and many from the Picture Province are claiming they most enjoy the “freedom to have tons of unprotected sex without concern” as the best thing about receiving their vaccinations for COVID-19.
“It feels way better,” cheered an excited Joey LaPlante from Moncton. “I’m saving tons of money on condoms, extra-large ones of course, and I don’t have to worry about getting Covid or chlamydia again — what a time to be alive!”
The survey was sent to all New Brunswickers who are registered as being fully vaccinated in effort to understand what’s important to them in hopes of appealing to those who have yet to receive the vaccine.
“We’re hoping we can find some common themes that will excite the non-vaccinated to finally get the jab,” explained health researcher Jenna Holmgren. “Unfortunately, the results are pretty scary because apparently there’s a lot of people, and I mean a lot, who think being fully vaccinated is shielding them from a lot of things other than COVID-19.”
Holmgren went on to tell The Manatee that people believe the vaccine is protecting them from a slew of medical issues such as sexually transmitted diseases, cancer, that bad cramp you get from running in the cold weather, dry mouth, falling victim to phone scams and countless other, really stupid things.
“I just don’t understand where people are getting this information from,” she said.
“I get my information straight from Blaine Higgs,” declared LaPlante. “He said that this vaccine will protect us and let us live our lives free. So, I got my shots and now I’m ready to get down with whomever, whenever, without a care in the world.”
When asked about the potential risk of pregnancy, LaPlante balked at our reporter.
“Come on, come on, come on. I pull out, of course. I know the vaccine doesn’t prevent people getting pregnant — I’m not an idiot.”