New Brunswick — Following in the footsteps of Trudeau with his soon-to-be-implemented single-use plastics ban, the Government of New Brunswick is hoping to become a climate leader by banning bottled and canned beer in all NB Liquor locations.
“The PM drinks boxed water, and people drink boxed wine, so what’s wrong with boxed beer? We know the carbonation won’t quite be there, but bubbly drinks are a luxury at this point in history,” said Premier Blaine Higgs, hoping to score a win for the Conservatives, who have been accused of denying climate change.
“If you just blow into it with a straw — a paper straw, obviously — right after you pour it, the beer will appear nicely carbed for at least a couple of seconds. We need to get creative and make sacrifices to combat this climate emergency.”
NB Liquor spokesperson Mark Barbour said this may put a damper on the craft beer scene, but most macro drinkers couldn’t care less about how their brew is packaged…or about how it tastes, for that matter.
“I imagine those who frequent the craft beer room at York Street will be dismayed to learn they can no longer get a single bottle of something exclusive and score that coveted Untappd checkin,” he began, “but in the end, craft beer people are not the ones we’re catering to. They can suck it up and buy boxed, like everyone else. Frankly, I’m sick of those special snowflakes anyway. What, are you too good for a big pouch of JR 6.0? Grow up.”
Beer snob Jared Riley said the boxed initiative is an affront to craft culture.
“Personally, I like to cellar my fine ales, and age them for at least a year before consumption. I can’t imagine boxed beer would improve with time. I’ll have to resort to homebrewing exclusively, or else finally move away from this backward-ass province.”
Local beer-drinker Rob Hayes is on board with the initiative.
“Think of how much waste there is in a 2-4. You have all these bottles, and you either have to drive them to the depot — and who knows what happens to them there, if they ever really get recycled — or just line them up in the backyard and shoot them.
“With boxed beer, I can sit on the couch, take out the plastic pouch, rest it on my beer belly, and bite one corner of the thing and slurp it out like a Mini-Sip. More efficient than having to get up and grab another bottle every five minutes!”
Margaret-Anne Vienneau agrees.
“I’m not a drinker, but I see a ton of Bud Light and Alpine cans along the highways in this province. Just banning cans and bottles will clean up the landscape in a big way! I imagine it’ll be tougher for people to chuck a big plastic pouch out their truck window without being noticed by the cops.”
Higgs said the boxes can be recycled bi-weekly with other cardboard, and NB Liquor locations will be accepting the plastic pouches and spigots to be reused by breweries.
“This means there’s practically no waste at all. Suck on that, Liberals! Now who cares about the environment?!”