Quispamsis — Amid rising COVID-19 cases, Dorothy Shephard, Minister of Health for the Government of New Brunswick, called an emergency press briefing today to discuss the province’s new measures to combat “a growing threat”…COVID deer.
“The Atlantic bubble is working well, people are taking precautions for the most part and avoiding unnecessary contact, wearing masks, et cetera,” Shephard explained, “but we have a looming threat at our doorsteps, and it’s covered in fur. Deer are everywhere around here!
“Just the other day, I walked out of my house to my car and passed five of the buggers chewing on my rosebush. I could have reached out and grabbed one it was so tame, and that is the problem.”
“We realize that, as a government, we need to take action to prevent the potential for catastrophic spread should one of these deer become sick with COVID,” Shephard continued. “As such, today we are unveiling our plan to tackle this threat, the Overland Home Deer Exposure Easement Response, or OH DEER for short. OH DEER outlines simple steps that all New Brunswickers will need to take when dealing with these four-legged disease factories from here until the end of the pandemic.”
According to the rest of the briefing, as part of OH DEER, every household in New Brunswick will be given a deer toolkit, consisting of 10 masks with extra long bands, 10 tranquilizer darts, a blowgun and a bag of bait apples.
“The goal is pretty simple,” Shephard explained. “Step 1, get the masks onto deer, step 2, stop the spread. Look, we have a lot of hunters out there — I’m sure they can fill people in with more details, but basically, put out the apples, wait for the deer, fire a couple tranks into them, and slip on a mask while they’re catching z’s.”
The Manatee followed up with panicked mother of three Sue Campbell after the announcement.
“These deer are nomads!” she cried. “They go from yard to yard, bubble to bubble. We know they spread ticks, so is it that much of a jump to say they could be spreading the COVID too? I don’t think so.
“Look, I just had the conversation about condoms with my teenage son…think of this as a condom for a deer, and wrap it up!”
Fredericton resident Jason Wheaton added, “10 tranks! Really? That’s awesome, I can’t wait to use those! …On the deer, of course.”