Nova Scotia — A new change to federal law will allow any assault charges to be dismissed if the accused can prove the alleged assault was simply part of a hockey game.
The ruling came into place when Randy Wilson of Wolfville, N.S. was defending himself in court after being accused of attacking another man.
Wilson told the courtroom that he did indeed attack another person, but it was just part of a hockey match, so it wasn’t a big deal.
“When you’re playing hockey, it’s kind of expected that you beat the crap out of someone at some point, but then everyone goes home and forgets about it,” explained Wilson, sporting a black eye and a few missing teeth.
“I already had to sit in the penalty box for a few minutes, so what’s the point of sending me to jail? I did my time and learned my lesson.”
The presiding judge couldn’t argue with that logic, and dismissed the charge, setting a legal precedent that will affect all of Canada.
“Young Randy made a good point. I think the only reason people even watch hockey is to see people beat each other up,” admitted Hon. Marcus Jeffries.
“If I punished people for fighting in hockey, it would ruin the whole sport. So I guess we’ll just have to let them beat each other to a pulp as long as they’re on ice and wearing skates.”
Later in the day, another accused who had heard of the hockey fight ruling used it to get out of their own assault charge.
“I actually got in a fight outside of a bar, but since the parking lot was frozen and we were both wearing hockey jerseys, it counted as a hockey fight and I got the case dismissed,” boasted Terry Chase, who wore his bloodstained Oilers jersey to court.
“Me an’ the boys get in fights almost every Saturday night, so this will come in real handy. We just want to drink and fight — that’s the only way to blow off steam in small-town Nova Scotia!”