Halifax — After one anonymous bellyacher expressed that they didn’t want to drink or eat at a bar filled with dogs, Nova Scotia is changing its rules to force all brewers to include dog hair or saliva in the beer-making process.
“We’ve heard dog owners’ complaints, and we’re adjusting accordingly,” said James Hollis, an inspector with the Department of Environment. “People are obsessed with their mutts, and they want to consume food made with real dog essence, if you will. So if you’re brewing, you should make sure the hair and drool from no fewer than seven doggos enters the fermenter. It’s what the people want. Not all people, of course, but the ones who matter — dog people.”
Bar owners and patrons are rejoicing.
“Dogs should be everywhere that people are. Restaurants, bars, churches, offices, buses, malls, pools — everywhere. They’re family members. They’re friendly,” said local bar-owner Kirk Peters. “We have a saying: Pooches Over People. This means, it doesn’t matter if people are afraid of or allergic to dogs, or don’t necessarily want to be around dogs 24/7. Dogs’ rights are the ones that matter — not a few annoying humans trying to ‘give us their money’ or whatever. All places should be a safe space for all pupperinos.”
“My little fluffers and floofs are like family to me,” said dog-lover Taylor Splatt, who is obviously a millennial since she uses that kind of stupid-ass vocabulary to describe animals. “At home I always drink their fur by accident and it just naturally falls into my food, and I enjoy it. Some people think that’s gross, but your human children are a lot grosser. At least Spot doesn’t poop in a diaper. He’s civilized enough to poop on the ground, and then I pick it up with a clear plastic bag. And I’d rather hear the sound of a dog barking directly in my face than hear a kid crying. But maybe that’s just me.”
Brewers are embracing the new regulations.
“I’m getting on board and making a ‘Wet Dog Wheat’ and a ‘Dripping Tongue Dubbel’ at the moment,” said craft brewer Rachel McKeen. “It’s only recently come to my attention that people actually enjoy it when a strange dog licks their bare legs in a drinking establishment, or when a big whiff of dog stench permeates the air where they’re trying to eat. So I’m really getting on board with it.
“Hey, how about a ‘Crotch Sniffing Saison’?”