Fredericton — Newly elected mayor of Fredericton Mike O’Brien has listened to the pleas of his constituents and has responded by promising once and for all to work out the glitches in Fred-eZone, the city’s notoriously faulty Wi-Fi hotspot.
“I don’t think anyone’s ever successfully logged onto Fred-eZone,” said O’Brien at a press conference at city hall, where reporters tried in vain to connect using their own devices. “See? It doesn’t work. To be honest, the main reason I got into politics was to address this one pressing issue: to create a Fred-eZone that actually works. Obviously Woodside was never going to get on it.”
O’Brien explained that Woodside himself created the supposed connection back in his early years as mayor, but he lacked the follow-through to ensure Fred-eZone was usable.
“I’m not even sure he ever intended it to work; he would go around bragging about it, all the while ignoring the flood of complaints about its inefficacy,” said O’Brien. “Once — and this is off the record — he told me that Fred-eZone is less a functioning Wi-Fi connection than a ‘special place in every Frederictonian’s heart.’ Then he winked at me, which was unnerving to say the least.”
The new mayor opened the floor to questions.
“So… are you saying that people will be able to connect to the Internet through Fred-eZone?” asked an incredulous CBC reporter.
“Believe it or not, yes,” replied O’Brien, to a hearty round of applause. “And not just in a few random locations around King and Queen streets, but even farther than that — ‘Fred-eZone 2.0’, as I’m calling it, will have the signal strength to be usable as far away as George Street, or even Charlotte.”
As the crowd erupted into cheers, O’Brien admitted that he himself has no knowledge of how the Internet or wireless technology really works, but that he will do everything in his power to see his dream come to fruition. “By 2017, I truly believe!”