Fredericton — Election day is here, and that means that a bunch of near-senile poll workers who would be fired for incompetence from any ordinary job are in control of your vote.
“Harold, where are my glasses?” polling station employee Bertha MacIntyre, 88, asked her co-worker at the Heritage Centre in Marysville, N.B. “I think I put them down here somewhere…oh, there they are,” she said, fumbling with Harold’s glasses before placing them on her face upside-down.
“Now, who’s next?” MacIntyre asked, though there was no one standing in line.
Polling stations across Canada are largely staffed with people who write the entire email in the subject line and who can’t find apps they use daily on their phones.
“I need this job because I lost my entire life savings in one of those Nigerian Prince scams,” said Bob Lewis, 88, who has yet to learn how to open a new tab on his computer or to upload a Facebook profile picture fewer than eight times consecutively.
Lewis is employed at the same polling station, and he has inadvertently spoiled dozens of ballots already by crossing off the wrong names from the list when people have come by to vote.
“Yes, a couple whiners have come back to complain about their vote ‘not counting’ but I just try to change the subject to something neutral like the Great War, or how you should only vote Conservative,” he said. “If you shuffle away and don’t make much eye contact, they eventually give up and leave.”
Our reporter grew weary of repeatedly yelling our questions at the elderly employees, so decided to speak with those who’d just voted about their experience.
“These ancient people don’t even seem to know where they are right now,” said 34-year-old Shawn Merkel, standing outside the Heritage Centre this morning. “It took them like half an hour to find my name on the list, then they were thrown into utter disarray because the address on my driver’s licence didn’t match the address on the voter card I got in the mail.
“They called their supervisor over — a guy who looked to be at least 100 — and puzzled over it for another few minutes before saying it’s fine and not to worry about it. Doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence.”
Paige Culberson, 28, had a similar frustrating experience.
“So I got here, waited for them to try to find my name, went behind the screen and made my choice, then by the time I walked back to the table to put the paper in the box, they had forgotten who I was and I had to start all over again. Finally they sorted it out, but then one of them asked me if I thought Harper or Trudeau would win. Do they even know what year this is??”
Elections Canada worker Beth Hellam, 75, seated at the reception area, has directed almost every potential voter to the wrong table.
“Well young people don’t even know how to write in cursive! I don’t think they should be allowed to vote,” explained the woman who refuses to go through any roundabouts in town because they’re “foolish” and who accuses her grandson of “downloading viruses” when he tries to help her process her vacation photos.
At press time, Hellam left her post without giving notice because she forgot her hemorrhoid cushion at home.