Saint John — Deep in the science-fiction section of the University of New Brunswick Saint John campus, the original fans from a famous movie sat collecting dust, all but forgotten by contemporary society.
Since early this year, Ken Bronwyn, a librarian for the university, has been sifting through the stacks in an effort to digitize the mountains of semi-organized fiction. “When I finally got to the sci-fi section, I noticed, first off, a strange smell,” he explained. “Beyond the normal musk of old paper, it was what I can only describe as terrible body odour. Yeah, real bad B.O.
“Upon further investigation, I noticed a trail of food scraps,” he continued. “You know, like crummy chips bags, some Pop Tart wrappers, half-full cans of off-brand pop — junk nerds eat.”
Bronwyn said he followed the food trail and found himself at mysterious door, light emerging from beneath it. “I pushed it open, and saw a group of 5 middle-aged men, all dressed as shoddy imitations of Star Wars characters — and they were just filthy. They looked at me like they’d never seen a real adult human… I mean, maybe they hadn’t. I startled them pretty badly — one of them grabbed his crappy homemade lightsaber and threatened me with it. Another one made a weird choking gesture at me with his hand.”
At the time, Bronwyn said he wasn’t sure what he’d stumbled upon. “I was actually looking for something else entirely when I made this discovery,” he said. “It seems the little group of 5 of these losers have been sitting in the library reading mainly Star Wars expanded universe novels since 1977, when the original movie hit the big screen. I think they’ve even been writing their own version of the script, which is basically just a garbage knockoff. Pretty sad that they’ve been putting decades into it.”
A Manatee reporter managed to sneak into the geeky hovel to ask the fanboys how they came to live deep in the library, wasting their lives poring over badly written science fiction. “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…” began one of the megafans. Our reporter backed away slowly and closed the door upon realizing the nerds could only speak in Star Wars-isms after years of reading and speaking nothing else.
The fanboys are being bathed, given real clothing, and as early as next week will be on display in the UNB archives for everyone to gawk at.