Charlottetown — Always the runt of the bunch, Prince Edward Island has nevertheless proven that it is willing to pull itself up by its bootstraps and do the work of provinces twice its size. However, despite its earned success and its legitimate claim to being Canada’s birthplace, one of its sister provinces is contesting just that.
“I don’t know why P.E.I. thinks it’s hot shit,” said New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant, “when, like, actually it’s super dumb. Like, ‘ooooooh yeah… the entire country just popped out of its tiny butt.’ Whatever.”
P.E.I. Premier Wade MacLauchlan had differing thoughts on the matter. “One need only look at New Brunswick to see that it has squandered all of its opportunities. Its biggest growing trade is pot, it’s hemorrhaging young people and it’s been in a long-term abusive relationship with an oil tycoon.
“If it was the cradle of confederation,” he added, “social services would have taken it away a long time ago.”
“Yeah, well your province is gay,” retorted Gallant, before shrugging. “No disrespect.”
Things became so heated between the two provinces that they scheduled a meeting with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to help sort out the issue. MacLauchlan complained that P.E.I. had worked hard, and it deserved its title as the home of confederation.
He also pointed out that New Brunswick has done nothing for its tourism industry but coast on its natural landmarks, without even properly maintaining them.
“They put a pulp mill… on their biggest landmark,” he said, dryly. “How stupid can you be?”
“Come now,” said Trudeau, dismissively. “New Brunswick has done a lot for itself. Besides, it hasn’t had the same opportunities that you’ve had.”
“What are you talking about?” MacLauchlan protested. “New Brunswick has a huge land mass, giant boating and fishing ports, and the direct support of its fellow mainlanders, yet it still manages to do fuck-all with it — the province is broke!”
Trudeau admonished MacLauchlan for his use foul language, and refused to make a distinction between his provinces, which he claimed to “love and value equally,” and that was all he “had to say on the matter.”
Unseen by the prime minister, whose focus had returned to his work, Gallant blew a raspberry and brandished dual middle fingers in MacLauchlan’s direction as he exited the room, playing “Bad and Boujee” as loud as his phone’s weak speakers could manage.
Two days later, the prime minister released a statement announcing that Prince Edward Island was, in fact, the birthplace of confederation, but that New Brunswick’s contributions were “equally important, just in their own way.”