Fredericton — Kris Austin is telling his supporters not to worry. His homemade party is still crazy — crazy like a fox that is! — but also still crazy in the normal batshit kind of way that earned them 12.6 per cent of the popular vote in Monday’s election.
“Our supporters are asking if we’re still the political party you go to when you don’t fit in anywhere else, and the answer to that question is an emphatic yes!” said PANB leader Kris Austin.
“By the way, ’emphatic’ means we really, really mean it. And don’t you worry, just because we won a few seats doesn’t mean we’re going to start using a lot of other fancy three- and four-syllable words. I know them fluffy words can leave our supporters feeling all mixed up in their heads sometimes.”
On Friday, Austin put down his dog whistle long enough to vow not to make a coalition with either the Gallant Liberals or the Higgs Tories. “Frankly, not making a coalition was an easy call to make,” he stated. “Both of those guys are treating the People’s Alliance like we’re toxic waste due to our anti-duality policies, so we weren’t really even involved with their decision to not be in a coalition with us.”
Austin vowed to keep “common sense” as the central principle of his party’s policy. “For example,” he explained, “some people might say it’s ‘common sense’ that if you are taking responsibility for someone’s real-life child on a school bus, you’d want to make damn sure that the only adult on the bus speaks the same language as the child.
“But, that kind of ‘common sense’ doesn’t make French people ‘suck it’ at all, so that doesn’t work for our supporters,” said Austin. “Our supporters only like the kind of common sense where it’s ‘common sense’ that French people have to lose something because they’re entitled and gots too many damn rights!
“That’s what 12.6 per cent of this province voted for, and by God we are sticking to it! And by that, I mean sticking it to the francophones any way possible — hopefully without looking like obvious bigots.
“We are going to make New Brunswick great again…for anglophones at least. Francophones…not so much.”
“To my supporters, I say that other people may find your views uninformed, offensive and distasteful, but your so-called ‘common sense’ bullshit will always be the guiding light of our made-up party. Or, at least until this whole thing implodes, that is,” Austin concluded.