New Brunswick — PepsiCo has drawn social-media ire by suggesting women and men eat chips differently, and on Tuesday internet rumours began circulating that the company would be releasing a line of female-friendly Doritos that don’t make a loud crunching sound and are available in smaller, purse-sized bags.
While this has yet to be confirmed, the company has revealed that they will be creating Doritos specifically for the lifestyle of New Brunswickers, who represent a major portion of PepsiCo’s target demographic.
“New Brunswickers don’t eat Doritos like the regular consumer. They almost exclusively inhale them while on a fogged-up city bus or in a crowded elevator, with mittens or gloves still on, the orange dust clinging to their disgusting humid hands, arms and faces,” said PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi. “These consumers also don’t break eye contact with whatever poor sucker they’re staring down while they shove this nasty, stinking synthetic crap down their gullets.
“But that last part is just an observation I’ve made, not something that we’re necessarily going to address in our marketing efforts.”
The new chips will be in bigger bags, according to Nooyi, “so that you can shove your entire chubby, parka-clad arm in there to collect every last bit of that orange dust. There will be some small pieces of chip, but those will mostly get stuck in your beard or fall down your shirt never to be seen again.”
Penniac local Byron Allen has been eating traditional Doritos “the New Brunswick way” since his elementary school days, and he welcomes the product change.
“The bags were always too small to get my mittens fully in there, ya know?” he said while ripping open a family-size bag of Cool Ranch, which he says is still not big enough for his entire arm and hoodie sleeve to fit into.
“I’d be eating them on the bus home after school and because the chips were pretty well intact, I’d have to share them with all the other kids. Not until I got to the end of the bag — the sacred orange dust — did people kind of look grossed out and turn away. That was all for me.”
The hashtag #NBDoritos has been circulating today as more and more grocery and convenience stores announce plans to stock shelves with the dusty delectables .
“I’ve already ordered dozens of crates of the new ‘N.B.-themed’ flavours,” said an excited Jeff Lockhart, manager of the northside Superstore. “They’ve got Zest-E.I., Humid Habanero, Spicy Sidewalk Slush, Big Bold Busride, Dangerous Diabetes, Extreme Alpine, Cool Weather, Cheddar Corruption, Double-Double Cheese, Potholed The Heat, Intense Irving, Ranch Roundabout, Fiery Flu, NB Power Pepper — and a bunch more.
“But really, I don’t know why they’re bothering with marketing and all that — they should know by now we’ll eat anything.”