Miramichi — Although it’s been a source of heat and energy crucial to the survival of man since the Stone Age, a recent poll of new Brunswickers reveals that fire’s popularity has reached an all-time low. Despite the prevalence of fire and combustion in their everyday lives, more people than ever before self-identify as “anti-fire,” mostly because it is “kind of an asshole.”
“My peers and I have been saying this for literally centuries, but the general populace just doesn’t notice most of the time,” said Miramichi fire chief Bill Blazer. “But, when a town that is crucial to the economy of an entire country is evacuated and burns to the ground, it’s undeniable that — under the right circumstances — fire can be a super-huge dickhead.”
Fire has enjoyed widespread popularity for approximately the past 400,000 years, beginning with evidence of Homo erectus‘s controlled use of combustion for heat, cooking and light. The drop in favourability seems to be directly linked to the Fort McMurray wildfires that have devastated the Alberta town since May 1. The wildfire has destroyed an estimated 2,400 buildings, burned over 229,000 hectares and halted oil sands production. That son of a whore will likely become the costliest disaster in Canadian history, with insurance payouts estimated at over $9 billion.
“Fire can be a total prick sometimes with the losses that our fire departments usually see, and I think we get somewhat used those smaller scale incidents,” said Blazer. “Often fires are just forgettable — just ask Cindy Day. But when you see something like these wildfires, we get a stark reminder of what a tremendous twat that it can be. People forget that fire is a real mother-effer, especially when that prolific piece of shit is burning down an entire forest and town.”
Blazer wanted to remind New Brunswickers that they can “kick that fire asshat right in the dick” by donating to the Red Cross here.
The schmucks at the Government of Canada will match every donation.