Moncton — New Brunswickers love to whine and complain about everything from high taxes to underemployment, but now, a new task force created by the Gallant government is setting out to curb those complaints. A group of nosy narcs will be patrolling the streets of the Picture Province as early as April, with a clear goal in mind.
“With this new task force, we’ll forcibly ensure no one gets to say anything bad about New Brunswick,” said Gallant. “I’ve had enough with all the negativity, whether it’s online, at the legislature, or in person. If people would just stop being so critical of my choices and their circumstances, they’d all be a lot happier. It’s like I always say: ‘Don’t bite the hand that feeds ya.'”
The Positivity Police — who will be in plainclothes in order to catch more complainers — will be entitled to make arrests and issue tickets to violators who insist on critiquing those in positions of authority, joking about politicians, or pointing out obvious deficiencies in our social system. Many New Brunswickers are on board with the task force.
“I totally get it — any time there’s something good going on, like a new call centre opening, it’s overshadowed by so-called ‘reality.’ Why not a good-news story now and then, huh? It shouldn’t all be doom and gloom,” said local suck-up Don Watson of Riverview. “I for one believe the Positivity Police are gonna do a great job, and instead of saying bad things about them, how about just not complaining? Shouldn’t be so hard.”
“The best way to make change and improve society has always been to just keep your mouth shut and smile,” agreed Sheryl Hubbard of Saint John, who then grinned eerily. “Everything is fine. Everything is good. Everything is just the best. Go New Brunswick!”
Certain infractions, such as joking in public about the Liberal government’s ineptitude, will warrant a fine of $50-$100. Other more serious violations — such as speaking ill of the Irvings or writing satirical stories exposing inconsistencies in media accounts of budget spending — will be punishable by incarceration.
“For example, if one of our officers were to overhear someone say Moncton sucks, or worse, write it and publish it, that will be a month-long stint in jail,” said Gallant. “If someone makes fun of me or my dog Blaze, they’ll get community service, at the very least.”
Gallant said if he gets re-elected, he will do his best to create a Thought Police force as well. “Depending on the reception of the Positivity Police, I will be looking to nip bad thoughts in the bud, too. There’s way too much intellectual freedom in this province as it is. I’ve been spit-balling this slogan to my cabinet: ‘If you can’t think anything nice, don’t think anything at all.’ That would look awesome on a T-shirt, eh?”
The new police will be hired directly from university Criminology programs and paid a modest salary of $100K yearly, plus benefits. “We can pay them whatever they want… if anyone criticizes their pay or qualifications, we’ll just slap ’em with a fine!” laughed Gallant.
“God, I love my job!”