Saint John — As Saint John city staff look at methods to control deer populations in the Millidgeville area, a local priest is objecting to the promotion of contraception as the chosen method of deer birth control.
Church leaders are responding to the city’s possible initiative to capture deer and inject them with a contraceptive vaccine costing $250 USD per dosage. Injected animals also need to be tagged and monitored according to Health Canada regulations, which adds significant labour costs to the administration of the proposed program.
Father Taylor White of Notre-Dame Cerf de Virginie church in Millidgeville says that the city has no mandate to promote contraception among God’s creatures.
“Giving these wild animals access to contraception is a licence for them to have promiscuous sex all over the north end!” said Father White. “We can’t have deer indulging in pleasures of the flesh the way humans do. If we provide a way for deer to have ‘consequence-free’ lusty pleasure, they will become orgasm-obsessed deviant mammals!”
Father White heads up a poorly attended youth abstinence class at the church’s rec centre on Saturday evenings. He suggests using some of the strategies that he teaches teenagers to encourage the deer to refrain from copulation.
“The deer should make the most of non-sexual pleasures,” he said. “Let holding hands…er, hoofs…mean something. Express tenderness by simply putting your legs around each other. Also, the deer couples should not spend a lot of time alone where they could fall victim to temptation. They should be with their herd of friends and family, even during dates.
“Finally, they should remember whose property they are touching,” concluded White. “Bucks should imagine there’s a sign on every doe that reads ‘PROPERTY OF JESUS.’ If every deer follows these guidelines, they should be as effective with those animals as they are with humans.”