Fredericton — Handsome young men all over the province are rejoicing today at the news that the premier, along with the Government of New Brunswick, have officially launched “The Brian Gallant Foundation for Handsome Boys Who Want to be Premier.”
This morning our handsome premier himself cut the ribbon on a shiny new wing added to the Legislature building, and detailed the program that will hopefully recoup some of the costs lost by Gallant’s own harebrained initiatives.
“Handsome boys who wish to be premier can apply for my year-long program that will instruct dapper, attractive youths on how to become dapper, attractive men capable of anything — especially running a province!” bellowed Gallant. “The application fee of $9,999.99 will allow ten young men to follow in my footsteps, learning the Secret Brian Gallant Method™. Those who do not qualify this year will be able to reapply next year at a discounted rate, if, like, they become more handsome during that year or something. I myself had an ugly period from ages 11 to 12.”
From a pool of what will surely be thousands of applicants, Gallant will hand-pick the boys who may one day succeed him as premier of New Brunswick. He and a specially trained staff will groom these boys to become charming, neatly dressed, articulate, and most importantly handsome adults.
Critics of the program say it’s sexist and dated, but Gallant argues that it opens doors for a part of society that doesn’t always get represented.
“When was the last time you heard from a handsome boy? Sure, you’ve seen them around, but have you ever stopped to buy them a coffee and ask them about their hopes and dreams?” asked Gallant. “I’m guessing not, since no one has ever done that for me. But I know for a fact that every handsome young boy has one goal that very few ever get to achieve: leading a province.”
We spoke with Reggie Weatherfield of Minto who said he’s never quite fit in, and now he knows why.
“Before this program’s existence I maintained a conviction that I wasn’t destined to live the entirety of my days in Minto, eventually relinquishing all ambition and succumbing to a lowly mechanic’s position or heaven-knows-what. I am meant for better things, with better people,” boasted the 10-year-old, while adjusting his red tie. “Far be it from me to bemoan my lot in life, but have you ever heard another child of my minuscule stature brandish words such as ‘relinquish’ or ‘succumb’? I’m simply too good for this rural village. And I’m sure as hell too good-looking.”
Gallant has already pre-accepted Weatherfield — whose parents gladly scraped together the application fee in hopes of getting rid of their pretentious son for an entire year — into the program.
“The kid looks just like me — perfect blond hair that hardly needs any product, blue eyes, killer smile,” gushed the premier. “He’s so handsome I just know he could be premier one day, if god forbid I have to step down.”
Application forms can be found online at gnb.ca/GallantsHandsomeBoysFoundation.