New Brunswick — It was reported by CBC this morning that 2 smoke shops as well as a major tobacco company have launched a lawsuit against the province regarding a ban on flavoured tobacco products that the companies argue is unconstitutional.
As of Jan. 1, the province had made it illegal to sell flavoured tobacco products of any kind, including menthol. The complainants — Imperial Tobacco, Aulac Tobacco Shop in Aulac, and Keating’s Speciality and Convenience Inc. in Moncton — alleged that the province was majorly overstepping its bounds yet again and cutting in on the industry’s profits by banning menthol cigarettes, specifically.
“They’re huge sellers,” said an Imperial Tobacco spokesperson. “If people are already hooked on cigarettes, it’s not going to hurt them to have menthol available as well. And anyway, it’s not the province’s right to decide who gets addicted to what, and when.
“You see how well the rigid rules of NB Liquor have played out — no alcoholics here, right?” he added sarcastically.
“OK, OK, yes. I acknowledge that we were trying to protect the province’s youth from addiction with a blanket ban — it’s just what we normally do in New Brunswick,” conceded Health Minister Victor Boudreau. “But that was this morning. However, after I spoke with CBC, I went outside and saw one of the complainants waiting for me. He pointed out how nice a day it was and said, ‘What would make today even better? A cigarette.’ He convinced me that I ‘couldn’t knock it till I try it,’ gave me a menthol, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t delicious.
“I’m in flavour country,” pronounced an elated Boudreau, leisurely exhaling smoke rings.
The Manatee approached a local bystander for an opinion about the lawsuit, which is now cancelled for “reasons of deliciousness,” according to our health minister.
“I certainly don’t want my kids smoking,” said Deb McDonald, 47, “And I realize how dangerous it is for adults as well. But I also know that the province has no extra money to spend in a long and pointless court battle.”
“I know, I know, all right?” defended Boudreau, when our reporter recounted McDonald’s comment. “That’s why I’ve called the whole thing off!”
Boudreau then insinuated that The Manatee needs to try a menthol in order to do due diligence in our reporting. We found the smooth, cool taste with an almost dangerous burning sensation on the mid-palate to be thrilling and fun. The Manatee recommends a menthol to all readers after digesting their daily news.