New Brunswick — To celebrate the anniversary of the first COVID-19 lockdown in New Brunswick, the province is dangling the tantalizing prize of a pizza party for the health zone with the fewest active cases of the virus by March 19.
“In lieu of going full-on yellow, we’ll be having a big pizza party over Zoom. Who doesn’t love Zoom parties?” asked Premier Blaine Higgs during a recent press conference. “We’ll order Domino’s delivery — it’s gotta be Domino’s, sorry, I have coupons — with up to two toppings, and we’ll even throw in a two-litre bottle of Compliments brand cola! These times may be unprecedented, folks, but they’re exciting, too!”
“Of course, should a predominantly French zone win, we’ll be offering a Dixie Lee party instead,” added Dr. Jennifer Russell. “I’ll be personally providing the entertainment with some live jazz music!”
Higgs revealed that he would be hosting a trivia portion of the party, since New Brunswickers love answering inane questions in their free time. “It’s going to be COVID-19 history themed. Study up and come prepared!”
Some think the pizza party is a copout.
“This is so stupid. Just make the winning zone yellow! Actually yellow, not dark-piss yellow. I want to see my whole extended family and friends, not eat some greasy pizza while looking at my computer screen,” said Frederictonian Lorne Peters.
“That’s how cheap-ass bosses try to pretend they appreciate their employees, when what people really want are raises or a bonus or more vacation days. This is the province’s version of the same trick,” said a skeptical Eileen Morris of Grand Bay-Westfield.
“Hey, Higgsy, howsabout you shell out some cold, hard cash for the winners?” taunted Yvonne Daigle of Moncton. “Keep your pizza. Hell, keep your fried chicken, too. We’re in a pandemic and all you offer us for staying home and wearing masks for a whole year is fast food? Gimme a break!”
Many New Brunswickers, though, are thrilled about the potential pizza party.
“I’m going to obey the rules sooo hard!” cried Saint Johner Beth Somers. “Any night I don’t have to cook is a good night!”
Higgs promptly clarified that the pizza party would take place during 30 minutes of a weekday lunch.
“Get ready, get set…” he said, “…shelter in place!”