Ottawa — RCMP Commissioner Bob Paulson announced Sept. 24 that nearly every officer in Divisions B, J and H (Newfoundland, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia) have been placed on paid administrative leave.
“The reason,” Paulson explained, “is an internal matter.” When asked about the nature of the internal matter, Paulson elaborated. “The specific nature of the internal matter, up to and including that which defines its internality, is itself internal.”
Some critics have already argued that Paulson’s explanation is not sufficient considering the officers are public employees.
After 20 minutes of attempting to glean information from Paulson, the only subject he deemed safe to share with the public was RCMP intramural softball. “I am pleased to tell you that the nationwide RCMP softball tournament taking place October 1st is officially an external matter,” he beamed. “Oh, one more external matter, on October 1st, there will be no police presence in any RCMP jurisdiction in Canada. The reason for this is, unfortunately, is an internal matter.”
Paulson’s announcement comes on the heels of Canadians discovering that some of their most internal electronic communications have actually been external for several months.
UNB physicist Dr. Heather Lasky offered an explanation as to what some argue is a double-standard on behalf of the RCMP. “Ninety percent of all matter is external,” said Lasky. “You shouldn’t have any expectation of internality without being up-to-date on string theory… Canadians just aren’t informed as to their rights.”