Fredericton — Last week New Brunswick’s provincial government announced that it would allow a private business to take over cannabis sales in the province due to poor revenue by the Crown corporation Cannabis NB.
Before any private corporations could even submit a proposal, the New Brunswick RCMP swooped in to take over. The RCMP claimed that their organization is best suited to run cannabis sales as they have the power to shut down illegal operations and resell their supply, creating a true monopoly.
“We’ll also be a bit more lenient with drivers who are smoking pot and get pulled over,” said Sgt. Jenica Hayes, spokesperson for the RCMP. “If you bought your pot from us, we’ll probably give you a second chance. If you aren’t smoking pot our vehicles will be stocked with plenty of cannabis treats that you can buy off of our officers instead of paying your speeding ticket.”
Though many New Brunswickers called for the privatization of cannabis and liquor sales, not all were happy at the prospect of police officers being involved in pot sales.
“Even when I’m not doing anything wrong, seeing cops freaks me out,” said Sarah Richards, a 30-year-old Frederictonian. “I know pot is legal, but if a cop tried to sell it to me I’d definitely think they’re trying to trick me.”
Others echoed the same sentiment.
“I’d rather be buying my weed from the Girl Guides,” said Clark Newton, 28, of Moncton. “Like, anyone else would be cooler about it. Am I going to get arrested if I DON’T buy pot off the cops?”
The RCMP assures the public that no pot sales will be forced through intimidation or other tactics.
“Of course if you don’t want to buy marijuana you don’t have to,” said Sgt. Hayes. “Instead you can just pay your speeding ticket, or the fine for having a taillight out, or get out of the car and let us pat you down.”
The RCMP is hoping that if cannabis sales go well, the Government of New Brunswick will allow them to take over alcohol sales as well, in place of NB Liquor.
“We have a massive stockpile of booze in RCMP offices from people trying to bring too much over the border into New Brunswick,” said Sgt. Hayes. “When we aren’t having office parties it just sits there forever, so since it’s all direct profit for us — no one else can really compete. We can even raid a couple breweries and take their gear so we could make our own beer!”