Atlantic Canada — Idris Elba may have been crowned People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for 2020, but after months in lockdown, women everywhere are lauding a new hero of hotness — some shlub from Minto, N.B., who happens to do his share of household chores.
The smokeshow — who often wears baggy beige-ish grey cargo shorts and an XXL embroidered shirt from the defunct clothing chain Randy River — goes by Dale Doucette, is 56 years young, and though his physical appearance leaves a lot to be desired, his performance in doing half the housework has shot him to the top of worldwide sexiness charts.
“What a lot of men don’t seem to understand is that, for women, seeing their partner doing half…or any…of the cleaning or cooking or childcare is worth all the abs in the world, especially this year when we’ve all been trapped in the house together,” said Doucette’s wife Annie, who was ogling her husband as he wiped down a counter with some paper towel. “So just skip the gym and use that time to unload the dishwasher, scrub the toilet, or plan supper.
“That’s what Dale did, and man,” she said, biting her lower lip and staring lecherously at her husband as he swept the floor, “it has paid off big-time.”
The editors at People have taken notice as well.
“Unfortunately, once our sexiest man alive is chosen, it’s set in stone until the following year,” said editor-in-chief Melissa Orlean. “But let me just say, we can’t wait to shuck off the dead weight that is Idris and feature Dale from Minto on the cover of our 2021 edition. That is, if he’s not too busy cleaning up and folding laundry to take part in a photo shoot!”
Annie claims that, when they’re out shopping, she often feels pangs of jealousy when strangers look at Dale with lust in their eyes.
“They think I don’t notice them checking him out…but I do. We’ll be in the cleaning aisle at the grocery store and women will be practically throwing their panties at him when he’s picking out a fresh bottle of Mr. Clean or asking me whether the extra-absorbent sponges will be strong enough from him to tackle the downstairs shower this weekend. Find your own Dale, ladies — this one’s mine!”
Dale claims that he doesn’t know where this newfound attention has come from.
“I guess I did really start picking up the slack when the quarantine began, but in general I’m just doing what anyone should do,” he said, noticing a stray sock on the floor and placing it in the laundry basket. “If you live with someone, you should try to maintain your own shared space and make it comfortable and clean for your partner, should you not?”
New Brunswick women especially look forward to seeing the delectable Dale featured in People next year.
“I just buy it for the articles, though…” lied Chipman resident Jessica Smith.