Report: Flood water leaving NB to work out west

Westfield — “Go west, young man” is 19th-century advice that has gripped the imagination of the New Brunswick youth in recent years.

Now, as record water levels in southern New Brunswick continue to recede, a new report has emerged that asserts the flood water has left the province for new opportunities out west.

“As water levels go down here, all of a sudden there’s record flooding in British Columbia!” fumed self-professed amateur economic development consultant David Cowbell. “Western Canada is even stealing our flood water now!

“We finally get something that New Brunswick is nationally recognized for, and boom — it’s heading out west too! No wonder people feel like they just can’t win sometimes.”

Written on loose-leaf paper and illustrated with pencil crayons, Cowbell’s report purports to show that as flood levels receded in New Brunswick last week, there was a correlated rise in B.C. flood waters. Cowbell claims that the inverse variation means somehow British Columbia is stealing New Brunswick’s flood water.

The province has lost a large number of young people to the Western provinces in recent years. New Brunswick lost a net 17,252 people to Alberta between 2004 and 2015, many of them young. Meanwhile, longer lifespans and lower birth rates means New Brunswick’s demographics are steadily growing older.

“I don’t believe in coincidence!” said Cowbell smugly. “Our water goes down, theirs goes up. I can’t be the only person who thinks this is happening.”

“Yes, you are,” responded New Brunswick government head hydrologist Marie Lowe. “That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. Goodbye.”