Riverview — Forty-eight-year-old Riverview resident Arnold Brooks, who died early yesterday morning, has officially been named the first death of 2018. He is survived by his wife and two teenage children. All of whom find the distinction “pretty cool.”
“I was very excited when I heard that,” said Janet Brooks, Arnold’s partner of 16 years. “I mean, it’s awful to see him go and everything, but golly — the first. How neat is that?”
Apparently, at the time, the honouree had been incredibly intoxicated and was attempting to eat a plate of spicy home-style chicken wings during the final countdown on New Year’s Eve. It is believed that he began choking at “seven,” and the ensuing strain resulted in a fatal heart attack. Unfortunately, the sounds of his suffering were drowned out by the din of the party.
Ultimately, Brooks was declared dead less than a second into the new year.
“I was live-streaming the whole time,” said Morgan, Arnold’s 15-year-old son, “so that we were able to submit that as evidence when the police logged in the time. After that, it was totally legit. In the books and errything.
“My followers were so psyched. Every comment was like, dude, and I was like, I know! That shit was lit, bro. Seriously. My Snapchat was blowing up.”
Despite all the excitement, the title does not stand undisputed. There are reports today of a 94-year-old woman in Algeria being declared dead at exactly 12:00:17, milliseconds before Brooks himself passed. These claims have yet to be officially verified, however.
“Well, however that all turns out,” Brooks’s daughter Alexis mused, “he’s still the first person to die in like, a real country this year, and I think that’s pretty sweet.”