Canada — Holyfuckingshit Robin Hood flour is sooooooooooooooooooo f’ing good all of a sudden! We had to ask some people why it’s like that now because, like, it’s SO. GOOD. You don’t even know — I don’t even know… So why are we even reporting on it? Well, because we’re going to find out why it’s so good. OK? OK?! With JOURNALISM!! Am I still typing? Good. Good intro.
The popular Canadian flour company recently issued a national recall of all their products, in part, presumably, because they’re suddenly totally addictive and awesome.
“I’ve been using Robin Hood flour for all my baking needs for almost 20 years now,” said Julian Harding, a longtime customer, sniffing profusely and scratching the back of his neck. “But now this new shit is so good that I can no longer achieve an erection.”
In fact, the flour has become so popular over the past few weeks that a large number of customers are engaging in a grand-scale bastardization of its namesake’s ideals, with many robbing from the rich to buy some sweet, sweet, snow for both themselves and their homies.
The RCMP have said that the recall is connected with a recent cocaine smuggling operation involving Robin Hood brand flour packaging.
“Details are unclear as to what percentage of the latest shipment was affected,” said Deputy Commisioner Helen Whitney. “However, we ask that customers return all Robin Hood brand flour products purchased after March 28th, 2017 to their local supermarkets.”
Which is all well and good, but if the pigs try and take this reporter’s flour away, I’m going to cut their fucking fingers off and eat them. I swear to GOD!