Saint John — While the City of Saint John is not officially recognizing “straight pride” since the concept is stupid as fuck, one local man is holding a celebration all his own, starting with painting a camo pattern on all the city’s crosswalks.
“Nothing says ‘I’m hetero and proud’ like camo,” said a clearly unemployed Jeff Peterson, 44. “Us straight people wear camo all the time — we put on our camo PJs to go to the Walmart, we wear camo vests and hats hunting, we wear camo hoodies to work, we wear camo Crocs and suits to weddings…it’s beautiful and it’s everywhere, just like heterosexuals. The only place ya don’t see camo is all over the streets.
“We’re gonna kick things off with the city’s first camo crosswalk. And by ‘we’ I mean ‘me’…I asked the mayor what he’s gonna do about straight pride, and he kinda brushed me off. But I’m not taking no for an answer — it’s the straight guy way!”
Peterson put down his paints, opened a camo Alpine that he must have had in his fridge since last fall, sat on the curb with his ass-crack showing, and explained further.
“I seen a lot in the news about ‘pride’ this and that, and I got to thinkin’ — why do the gays get all the fuss? Why do they get their own week, and a parade, and rainbow crosswalks? Us straight people have been left out for too long!”
Legally, Peterson is not allowed to paint over crosswalks with camo or any other colour or design.
“Ugh, not this guy again,” said Mayor Don Darling. “I told him 10 times he can’t just slop green and tan paint all over the streets because he feels entitled to attention. But now he’s started going around in the middle of the night with his paint buckets in the back of his truck. I can’t be watching this fool around the clock — I have ‘Budgets and Beer’ meetings to plan!”
Another Saint John resident, who wished to remain nameless, stands firmly with “the straights.”
“During ‘pride’ I’ve been driving my minivan around, hauling my anti-gay signs on a wooden wagon that I made myself. I basically found everything in the Bible that could support my hatred and put it up so gay people will know they’re going to Hell. You know, stuff like ‘God Hates Homos’ and other time-honoured facts.
“It’s about the God-ordained nucleur family,” added the twice-divorced bloke.
“And honestly, I got nothin’ better to do since I got fired from work for sexual harassment. But it gets lonely being the only one taking a stand — it’s nice to finally see someone besides me fighting for straight rights.”
When pressed, an overweight and visibly dirty Peterson confessed that he has nothing against gay guys, “as long as they don’t hit on me.”
boooo shauna
God LOVES peoples , gays included WHATEVER GAY IS,NEWFOUNDLANDERS
AND 1930 OLD MOVIES, PEOPLE WERE ALWAYS HAPPY AND GAY. SURE THEY HAD TO TAKE GAYSIDE STREET SIGN DOWN AND CALL THE PLACE DAYTONA SYNONYMOUS WITH THE 1734 WORD FOR INDISCREET WOMEN F . K WORD MEANT THAT
ABOUT GOD , the SIN HE HATES he loves gays,sake as mom n dad , HE IS THE AUDIENCE
WISH TO GOD I COULD USE IPHONE KEYBOARD,THE SPELLER IS FROM HELL,TRUMP GOT THAT RIGHT,THEY’RE TOO TOO SMALL FOR OVER 40 .. THEN TO ADD TO MY TYPING SKILLS, I CANT FIND WHERE TO EDIT AFTER I POST,MY THUMBS ARE TOO BIG I GUESS. GLAD MY DAD WASNT GAY I WOULDN’T BE HERE TODAY, HE HAD BIG THUMBS TOO.. YESSs
I have to SAY I do have TESTICULAR FORTITUDE TO TAKE TIME FROM HELPING SPECIAL NEEDS PEOPLE, FOOD BANKS PARTICIPATION AND WORKING IN HOSPITAL MOST OF MY LIFE TO SAY THIS, I MAY HAVE BEEN TOO HARSH ON THISE SIDEWALKS, STNONYMOUS WITH OLD LADY WHI SSUD TO MY 15 YEAR OKD SISTER ADORING IN BRIGHTEST ANERICAN RED LIPSTICK, SHE QUIPPED,MY CHILD ,YOUR LIPS LOOKS LIKE HENS HOLE
PAINTED R E D. WE SAT IN CHURCH IN FRINT SEAT, THE CKERGY THIUGHT TGAT REVUVAL HAD COME AND HIT US ALL IN THE SKULL , WE PEED DUWN OUR LEGS AND CRIED WITH JOY, LOOK, GOING TO CHURCH, DONT LET ANYONE STEAL YOUR JOY OR YOUR JOYSTICK, IF ITS ON A CORVETTE. DRAINING YOU GIVE AND CANT ANYMORE,YOU CHURCH AND I LL BE DAMN YIU COME OUT BROKE , MY GID,I WENT TO SAINT AUGUSTINE, I OUT IN A QUARTER AFTER I GIT KNOCKED OVER WITH THE BASEBALL BAT THEY HAD ATTACHED TO
MONEY BAG, I WALK OUT THE DOOR AND THERE WE GOT PEOPLE NEEDY TO GIVE TO, WELL, LOOK I PICKED UP A LOONEY, THATS 75 PERCENT I MADE ON MY 25 CENT INVESTMENT, I LIFTED MY HAND HIGH AND MADE SURE PEOPLE SAW ME GIVE SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF MONEY TO THE CHURCH, SURE THE BANKS WOULD HAVE TO CLOSE IF THEY COULD MATCH THAT. LOOK YOU REACH OUT YOUR HAND THERE’S A JOB OR SOMEONE TO TAJE YIUR MONEY, MY GOD I SEZ NO END WIRKD WITHOUT END, I SEZ
Will we have a kivue on the OLAND CASE .?? THNKS
Damn philosogues who cares,if guys want to AC D C OR TONGUE N GROOVERS, GALS, SYNONYMOUS WITH PEOPLE DRAMATICALLY USING IPAD AND TEXTIN,,WOMEN FRAPZED UP IN SHAWLS, WHEN IN HELL ARE PEOPLE GOING TO TOTALLY WORK AT THEIR JOBS INSTEAD OF ON SIDEWALKS AND COFFEE HOUSES . DRAMA BULL SHHHT SOCIETY. LOOK, MAW ALL CAPITALS !!ITS BULL , TRUMP SAID THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES SHHTT HOLES , NO WE GOT THIS SHHHTT ON OUR CANADUAN CULTURES RAINBOW BULL SHHHTT TOO, I THOUGHT FAIRIES FLEW , WHY CROSSWALKS ??!!??ALL TAXES AND YES GAYS DID PUT MONEY INTO THAT PROJECT , GAWD, HAVENT WE GITTEN PASS ORGUES OF 52 WAYS TO HAVE SRX. GRADUATE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TO HIGHER LEVEL, ITS CONTROLLING AND GOD DAMNABLE THE TITAL SHHTT OUT THERE COUNTER PRIDYCTIVE TO PEACEFUL HABITAT AND WHOLESOME LIVING.
Oh my GOD BREAKING NEWS, TRIMP WANTS AMERICA TO BUY GREENLANDS ICY MOUNTAINS, I D SETTLE FOR INDIAS CORAL STRAND, BLOODY ‘ELL, VERY CHILLING.
GLOBAL COOLING I D SAY WHEN YOU GET TO THE G O R E OF IT, HOOE IT WORKS CAUSE MARS IS STARTING TO LOOK REFRESHING,ROBBIE FOUND WATER THERE, you won’t have to go to the JORDAN River to get baptized, no sir, you cant trump that!!DID YOU KNOW THAT AFTER PURGATORY, YOU THINK YOU’RE OUT, NOPE, YOU GO TO FIDDLERS GREEN,OH, THAT’S LIKE FISHING ON THE JORDAN RIVER WITH UNCLE ARTHUR,A PRURST SAUD ONE TIME ALONG THE ROAD OF LIFE.. YOU WONT HAVE TO PAY CLERGY ANY MORE MONEY, IF YOU LIKE FISHING..
I hope to God I made your day, cheered you all up and have a gay old time enjoying my humor,
True story, a guy walking downtown Toronto, stilettos, fire engine red, set beads that you could use for ball bearings on tractor, tiptoeing through the cracks, he fell, I sez to him ,hey buddy ,” your shoes are too high,that’s why you fell,” he quips , damn , its not the shoes but when I brought up, I nearly choked on me beads .
I laughed ,walked on , then saw German shepherd bite a man,seriously, the guy ran after the dog and bit him, the dog scurried of whimpering, wow,I went from sorrow to joy.