Saint John — Officials from Saint John’s Brunswick Square Shopping Centre were busy on Thursday removing the third floor button from the mall’s well-known glass elevators.
“We’ve heard Saint Johners loud and clear — the elevators are too slow,” said a spokesperson for Brunswick Square in a written release. “We know it takes an eternity waiting for them, so we’re doing something about it: removing the third floor button entirely. There is no reason to have the third floor option anymore, as it leads only to shuttered shops and ‘for lease’ signs. This way, no one will press it accidentally anymore.”
Ella Vader, a Saint John-area activist, spoke to The Manatee about the removal of the button. “I oppose this action,” she said, “and I instead propose that the entire third floor be converted to a museum of shuttered shops. That way, we can permanently remember the way things used to be.”
Sources say that Brunswick Square officials briefly considered the museum conversion idea, but ultimately shelved it, citing a harsh climate for new museums in Saint John. Regardless, #KeepTheButton was found to be trending on Twitter later in the day, even briefly eclipsing the long-running top hashtag #Save91King.
Back at the glass elevator, Elisha Otis, repair technician, was unmoved by the ballooning controversy. “I’ve got a job to do, and that’s to remove this button!” he exclaimed, obviously perturbed by the journalistic inquiry.
Brunswick Square officials gave The Manatee a reason for Otis’s heightened enthusiasm at completing his job. “Frankly, he’s already behind schedule with the removal. He just landed in town — late! He first flew to St. John’s, Newfoundland, by mistake.”
When pressed for comment about the delay, Otis stated, “OK I admit it — I went to St. John’s first. But can you blame me? I mean, if the prime minister of Canada himself can’t spell this city name correctly, then cut me some slack about my confusion, would ya?”
Despite the clamour, Otis was on track to remove the third floor elevator button by noon Friday.
Reporting this story is probably going to escalate the controversy….