Atlantic Canada — This morning has been a tough one for Sarah from the Conservative Party of Canada, who boasts a headache, nausea, dry mouth and a very hazy memory when it comes to the events of the past week.
Sarah claims her boyfriend dumped her last Wednesday after a heated argument about who would win an arm-wrestle: Justin Trudeau or Andrew Scheer. She says the resulting emotional turmoil sent her into a major week-long bender.
“I must have sent a lot — and I mean a lot — of texts,” she croaked, reaching for a glass of stagnant water on her nightstand. “The last thing I remember is getting tequila shots at some bar and before I knew it, my phone was blowing up with replies from strangers, saying ‘hell no I’m not voting Conservative.’ I think I really took it too far this time.”
Sarah, whose apartment is now littered with empty bottles, cans and pizza boxes, says her boss has warned her before not to mix politics and pleasure, but in a fit of drunken abandon, she forgot her professionalism and texted everyone in the country.
“Oh god…I don’t even know most of these people,” she expressed, peering at her phone with one bloodshot eye. “I’m definitely on thin ice at work now too…what day is it?
“The really embarrassing thing is I don’t even care if people vote Conservative or not. I guess drunk me was deeply invested in the outcome of the federal election? Like, what the hell? But honestly this is just a job for me. I don’t give a crap what way you vote.”
Sarah says she’s taking the rest of the day to lie on the couch, drink Gatorade, and catch up on the last few seasons of The Bachelorette.
“If you got a text from me, please do me a favour and disregard it,” she said, popping an Advil. “So. Much. Regret.”