Shediac — Mount Allison scientists and students who recently began investigating the mysterious sources of fecal matter at Parlee Beach made a startling discovery this week: a single pollution source.
“It’s pretty exciting as a scientist to find one lone source of sewage as the reason behind poor water quality,” explained lead researcher Maxime LeBlanc. “Normally in an area this size, with so many stuck-up rich people, there would be multiple points of pollution and you couldn’t really point the finger at anyone.”
One of LeBlanc’s students made the suggestion to run the water quality reports against Victor Boundreau’s speaking schedule and found a perfect correlation. If the MLA for Shediac/Cap-Pele was speaking, the waters of the lagoon at Parlee were immediately inundated with sewage.
As correlation does not always point to causation, LeBlanc agreed that just because Boudreau made a speech or spoke to the media every time shit hit the beach didn’t mean he was the source. But, like good scientists, his students did their homework.
For the last month they’ve monitored the water quality in real-time, along with Boudreau’s public statements. As a control, they also monitored Premier Brian Gallant and Opposition Leader Blaine Higgs. The results were astounding.
“We were sure Gallant would be at least part of the problem, but it turns out whatever he says comes out of Boudreau’s mouth first anyway, so it isn’t causing the problems at Parlee. It’s all Boudreau.”
When asked how to stop the problem, LeBlanc was quick to point out that science reveals the facts, not the solutions. “Obviously, the people of Shediac need to decide what is best for their beach, the environment and their economy. But if it was me, I wouldn’t put up with this bullshit.”