Fundy — Following a slew of vandalism perpetrated on various marine life along the Bay of Fundy, the Department of Fisheries and Oceans is asking the public for any information that might lead to the arrest of those responsible.
According to sources, numerous aquatic creatures have been the victims of unrestrained, often obscene and pointless abuse over the past several weeks. Officials say dozens of whales have been spotted with profanity-laced graffiti spray-painted on their sides, sea turtles with etchings curved into their shells and countless seals “glitter bombed.”
“I just don’t get it,” said marine biologist Chris Colebern. “Why anyone would think that carving out ‘Trish loves Trevor’ on the back of an endangered leatherback sea turtle would be a nice sentiment is just beyond me.”
According to coast guard Mitchell Stevens, a blue whale was spotted Monday morning swimming off the coast of Grand Manan Island; upon closer inspection its backside appeared to be the site of a party from the previous night. “We noticed the remnants of a fire pit and shattered beer bottles, condom rappers and other garbage strewn all over this poor unsuspecting animal’s back. They completely trashed it.”
Even more disturbing was a discovery by a couple boating off the coast of St. Andrews. While anchored miles off the shore, Melissa and Charles Grant said they were thrilled to see a friendly pod of porpoises approaching their yacht, but were later shocked and horrified when they noticed the animals were covered in spray-painted penises and swastikas. “Who would do something like that?” asked Melissa Grant. “And quite frankly, how?” her husband added.
Spokesperson for the Department of Fisheries and Oceans Angela Cooney said there are currently no leads as to the identities of those responsible for the deplorable — if not baffling — desecration of the region’s marine life, but that it’s “only a matter of time before the highly skilled divers and utter degenerates will be brought to justice.”