Ottawa — Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced this morning that the Senate has passed a somewhat controversial bill to update the Canadian national anthem. This comes after several years of complaints that the song, first written by Robert Stanley Weir in 1908, is outdated and no longer relevant to the Canadian experience.
“We have heard your concerns,” Trudeau told the crowd that had gathered before him. “Consequently, we have been hard at work rewriting our national anthem to better conform to our time. We think now that we have hit upon a version that all Canadians will be satisfied with.”
With that, he brought up a PowerPoint slide revealing the revised lyrics to the song, which are as follows:
O Canada!
(Pow)
Our home and native land. (Native!)
True patriot love in all of us command.
(Skrrrrrrt)
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North (Splash) strong and free! (Wow!)
From far and wide (Fat!),
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
(Doot! Doot! Doot!)
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
(Preach.)
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
“And now, to perform the new national anthem,” said Trudeau, excitedly. “Hot off of their new album Culture II…It’s Migos!”
As the beat dropped and the performers bounced onto the stage, the prime minister shook a bottle of champagne and sprayed the members of the press who were rushing the stage.
“You know…I ain’t never really had any new money,” Trudeau’s parting words began, “I got a whole lot of old money, though. Kick it!”