Shediac — It’s not bullshit. After three days of “no swimming” advisories at Parlee Beach Provincial Park, the government says that shit contamination levels once again are low enough to enjoy a wonderful day of swimming.
However, officials are saying to watch out for advisories because the levels of bacteria from human shit can rise suddenly, and cause shitty swimming conditions to reoccur.
“It’s totally safe to go for a swim today — I shit you not, so to speak,” laughed government spokesperson Johnny Merde. “And when I say today, I mean today. Yesterday, that would have been a really shitty idea. I mean, you probably would still be shitting right now if you swam yesterday.
“But, today — today is a great day to go for a swim, we are 60 per cent sure that shit’s 100 per cent safe.”
Park officials caught shit over the weekend when some beach-goers complained of inadequate notification of the “no swimming” advisory, caused by the high shit bacteria levels in the water.
Shit also hit the proverbial fan last year when government discovered that shit was leaking from the sewer pipes into the beach sand, causing one engineer to call it a “long-term reservoir for [shit] bacteria.”
“People who say the beach isn’t safe have shit for brains. They are really on my shit list,” said Merde. “We measure the shit bacteria levels every day to make sure that we don’t have a literal shit-show out there. There’s a few people causing a shitstorm of controversy over normal turd-idity…I mean turbidity levels.
“No one should be shitting their pants over this — literally or figuratively,” he concluded.