Spryfield, N.S. — Inspired by CBC’s annual attempt to both depress and enrage Canadians mere hours into the New Year, John Simpson saw a chance to make history.
“Well I guess I’m just a glass 100 percent full kinda guy,” chuckled Simpson. “When I woke up on January second the wife had the CBC on. They were blathering on and on about Canada’s Top CEOs earning more than the average Canadian by the time lunch rolls around. I see this same frickin’ story every goddamn year and it usually pisses me off to no end since all we ever got to show after the holidays is a giant credit card bill that won’t get paid off till Canada Day.”
“But this year was different,” said Jill Simpson, John’s wife of 16 years and counting. “I heard him hootin’ and hollerin’ from the kitchen and went to see what all the fuss was about. I was hopin’ that we’d finally won the Lotto Max, or even just one of the Maxmillions — is that too much to ask? But nope, there was John pounding warm Oland’s from a case that I’d hid under the sink on New Year’s Eve because he was gettin’ too fired up.”
“Honey,” said John, “this year instead of gettin’ pissed off at them gagillionaries, they’ve inspired me to just get pissed!” Egged on by an outdated internet article that says the average Canadian drinks 25 alcoholic beverages per month, John set out to drink 301 beers by the time the clock struck 12.
“Well it was already 10:36 a.m. by the time he even started,” said Jill, “so by 11:30 a.m. he’d sucked back the 12-pack of Oland’s from under the sink. I reminded him that lunchtime was just around the corner, but he just snarled that ‘BEOs can take a late lunch because they’s the booss.’
“By 1:30 p.m. he’d been to the NSLC and back, getting kicked out in the process. He rummaged around until he found some old Wildcats in the garage and said that they count for two drinks a pop. Based on the lipstick marks on the mirror he claims to have made it to 31 beers.
“I found him passed out in the bathtub around 3 p.m. with sticky notes on the toilet that said ‘call Guinness’ and ‘go get Guinness’ — I couldn’t believe he spelled Guinness right! I almost felt like I should go grab him a six-pack, but then he stirred violently and pulled down my new shower curtain, which was my only Christmas gift from him this year, so yeah, he can spend the entire night in the tub for all I care.”
Jill then excused herself to return John’s empties to the local bottle depot so she could “turn the money into more lotto tickets.”
“Maybe next week,” she mumbled on her way out the door.