Fredericton — With the loud, curriculum-disrupting renovations at Fredericton High School limping into another dreary year, the Anglophone West School District announced last week that they have welcomed some outside expertise to get the job done.
Chip and Joanna Gaines, the part-time home improvers and full-time sweethearts of the hit show Fixer Upper, have committed to try and fix the badly beaten halls of FHS. The pair have brought their HGTV cameras and flair for hardwood to Fredericton, and intend to make their Texan presence known.
“I gotta tell it — I was chewing my bit a bit over going back to high school,” said Chip. “But I got movin’ and saw their big-game kitty on the wall, and it brought my ship to the sand.”
Joanna seemed just as slightly interested to be here. “I love the strong and rugged local colour you have in your state. The rotting-wood smell and stained ceilings really bring out a distinct aesthetic.”
When pressed for an explanation of the odd and somewhat unnecessary hiring practice, Superintendent Catherine Blaney gave her two cents. “Nobody is going to deny that the work at FHS has taken its time. That’s why we have finally decided to take it seriously and call in the home-improvement professionals.”
Blaney admits that the Gaines weren’t the first choice. “Tim Allen kept getting too political over the phone,” she told us.
The student body and faculty have been fairly indifferent to the reality stars’ humbling presence.
“I’ve never seen it, but my mom loves this show,” one student said, staring at their desk. “She slams eight hours’ worth of episodes like it’s Cops or something.”
“My mom and aunt write down the names of the products that they mention on the show and then they frantically call up HomeSense to see if they carry it,” added another student.
“I struggled to teach over the clang of hammers, and continue to struggle with these famous clangs as well,” said an English teacher.
At the end of the day, Blaney says she’s happy to see the project up and running. “I’m anticipating really great things from this little experiment. If all goes well we might consider bringing in Jon Taffer to clean up Katz’ Kitchen.”
When asked about his initial thoughts of FHS, Chip retorted, “One thing’s for sure, I’ll never get that zippy-zoo song outta my head.”