New Brunswick — Brian Gallant had his plans to fix New Brunswick foiled by blizzards this week, and now he’s giving up on that lofty goal.
“Look, I had it all figured out,” Gallant explained to The Manatee early Thursday morning. “I had this huge plan that was supposed to start Monday, but the stupid blizzard made it impossible to implement. And so, I put it off until Tuesday, but then everything was still snowed in. Yesterday was a write-off because I was busy catching up on emails, business calls and tanning.”
The dashing and perfectly tanned premier claimed he was again set to implement his “genius plan” on Thursday, but grew frustrated by yet another severe winter storm.
“I was ready!” he enthused. “I ran everything by Mom, I did cardio for like 3 hours — I felt awesome. And then I looked outside and saw it storming again; you can imagine my frustration. I felt like pulling my hair out, and I would’ve if my hair weren’t so beautiful.”
When asked to elaborate on his province-saving plan, the premier deflected and said that it “wasn’t worth discussing now — the snow ruined everything.” Gallant did reveal that it was a six-part strategy and that he worked it all out one evening after doing a bunch of shots of peach schnapps.
“Steve-o and me were gettin’ tanked after a steam one night,” he recalled. “We’re pounding shots like nobody’s business and it all came to me — a six-step scheme to save the province. So, I slam one back, look Horsey right in the eye and say: ‘I’m going to save this province and make everyone love me.’ And I was, too. I was going to actually do it, but the storm wouldn’t let me.
“Now I’ll probably not get re-elected, I won’t have the hottest date to the premiers’ ball, won’t be a hero, probably won’t get to hang with Justin, no one will want to be my friend and Mom is going to be upset with me. Stupid snow!”
Gallant, defeated by the onslaught of winter weather, ended the interview by saying that he “hopes people won’t remember the bad things but the good: like my face and my hair and that I tried to save us all, but the snow just got in the way.”