Saint John — A new pest has been horsing around at Saint John’s Rockwood Park, but it might not be the one that you expect.
The co-owner and operator of the Rockwood Park stables said earlier this week that public access to the horses has been suspended due to “strangles turning up unexpectedly.”
Today, it was further clarified that she did not mean the equine bacterial infection known as “strangles,” but rather Strangles the Clown — the Saint John cousin of infamous evil clown, Pennywise.
“Despite being related to Pennywise, Strangles the Clown is more of an asshole clown than a homicidal clown,” explained horse owner Shirley Plaisantin. “He’s still evil, but he mostly hangs around barns rather than sewers and focusses almost exclusively on pranking horses.”
Plaisantin first noticed the symptoms last week. “I was doing chores in the barn when out of nowhere a red balloon floated by. I thought to myself, ‘Hmm, that’s weird,’ but when I turned around the horses were all wearing comically oversized party hats. That’s when I knew we were dealing with a case of Strangles.
“Later in the week, I noticed the horses were acting odd about their water. That’s when I found that their normal water had been switched with Saint John water! You know, like unfiltered…right out of the tap? The water that tastes like licking a 9-volt battery? I was horrified!
“The worst was when one of the horses disappeared and turned up tethered on the Reversing Falls Skywalk! Besides being scared of heights, when those Falls start reversing their little horse brains can’t handle that! It was just awful!”
Mayor Don Darling is very upset about this outbreak of Strangles pranks, and says it’s probably related in some way to The Manatee. “Those people are not funny, and neither is Strangles the Evil Clown. I think the best way to deal with Strangles is the same way I deal with The Manatee — get all butt-hurt and go whine online about it.”