Struggling New Brunswick looks to marijuana for economic salvation, relief from burden of exsistence

New Brunswick — “Something’s gotta give,” said an empathetic-sounding Brian Gallant regarding his desire for New Brunswick to become the cannabis-growing capital of Canada.

“We either need to fix our financial issues or we need something to help us forget them, and weed will do one or the other and will have a bunch of other benefits, too. Just think about all the miserable people in New Brunswick — about 75 percent of them I’d guess — and what this could do for them.”

The Manatee asked the 34-year-old Liberal leader if he had actually conducted any studies on the misery or well-being of New Brunswickers.

“Studies, yeah I’ve conducted studies,” he responded. “If opening my eyes is considered a study. I mean, it’s not hard to look around and see people who are totally complacent in the misery which is New Brunswick. I mean, you can’t tell me that there’s one happy person in the town of St. Stephen — that place is the worst. And that’s totally indicative of what you see around the rest of the province, too.”

Gallant unpacked his plan to become the nation’s leading pot-dealer.

“It’s a fail-safe plan,” he assured. “We buy all the supplies we need to grow the marijuana, and we try and sell more of it than anyone else. If we can’t do that, then we smoke it to forget about how miserably we failed and to forget about this grim province we live in — pretty straightforward.”

Our reporter asked Gallant if he has always been pro-weed, or if he’s merely trying to cash in on Canada’s changing landscape as it relates to marijuana legalization.

“Yeah, sure — all that stuff,” he confirmed. “Of course I want to take advantage of the changing landscape like you said, that’s exactly the words I was going to use. And, yeah, I’ve always been pro-pot. I mean, why do you think my dog’s name is Blaze?”

Gallant also fielded questions from reporters who disagreed with the premier’s assessment that New Brunswick is a wretched place to live.

“Come on, folks,” he said. “The only reason this place is called the Picture Province is because people can’t help but picture themselves somewhere else — zing!”