New Brunswick — In shocking-to-none study results released by Statistics Atlantic last week, it was revealed that 81 percent of New Brunswick residents have delusions of grandeur and believe that they are better than most other New Brunswickers.
“New Brunswick is home to some of the most delusional and self-centered whackos this side of the Atlantic,” said Statistics Atlantic spokesperson Neil MacKay.
“Some of them thought they deserved a movie made about them, others thought that their unoriginal business idea could thrive in today’s cutthroat economy. It was sad, really,” explained MacKay.
MacKay cited “mule-headed stubbornness and near-illiteracy” as potential causes to a large number of the cases, some of whom thought that they should write an autobiography at the ripe old age of 32. Those symptoms can lead to some of the other given examples, such as New Brunswickers feeling “they deserve everything handed to them,” or that “the rules don’t apply to them,” or that they’re “too swamped” to spell correctly and use complete sentences in emails, often typing the entire email in the subject line.
The prime delusion cited by MacKay was people thinking that “New Brunswick is the best place to live.”
“They cite kindness, fall colours, business culture — anything that you can find in literally any other place anywhere in the world. Someone put the idea in their head that they’re special, when in reality they aren’t,” said MacKay, his voice growing louder and louder in frustration at the futility of trying to change a New Brunswicker’s mind about something.
Fred Morrison, local entrepreneur of failing printing business Morrison Print Group, is one New Brunswicker who took the survey and didn’t mind being interviewed. Morrison said that he has had to lay off 4 employees, but he’s optimistic that “business will turn around soon.”
“I’m a pillar of this community. I know that they’re going to come together and start doing business with me again to save me. I just know it,” repeated Morrison, staring intently at a crack in the wall while willing himself to forget that there are 6 other identical businesses within a 50-kilometre radius.
MacKay advises New Brunswick parents to stop telling their children that they are unique snowflakes, so that future generations will have the motivation to work hard to achieve some notion of success.