New York — A packed crowd of tearful Maritimers were on hand today to witness the unveiling of the newest addition to the Museum of Natural History. Stumbles — who was the last living donair and whose death last year meant the extinction of the species — is now a permanent attraction in the museum.
As the curtain dropped to reveal the taxidermied donair seemingly in the process of bumbling along, many in attendance could scarcely contain their emotions. The sound of open weeping could be heard echoing down the corridor and many lit candles and laid down flowers in honour of the deceased, incredibly dim-witted animal.
“We certainly didn’t expect this kind of turnout,” said curator William Shultz. “Nor did we anticipate such a dramatic reaction. What seems nothing more than a curiosity to Americans seems a tragic loss to the many heartbroken Canadians here today. Of course the loss of any species is a very sad thing, but in my 16 years as curator I can’t recall such an emotionally charged unveiling.”
“What is that thing?” asked a puzzled New York City resident. “If it was as dumb as it looks, it’s no wonder they’re all extinct now.”
“To see Stumbles standing there — perfectly motionless and forever still, not falling over or repeatedly banging his head on something, makes me think he has more intelligence in death than he ever had in life,” said glassy-eyed conservationist Todd O’Donnell, who used to look after Stumbles at the Kent County wildlife preserve.
“From rolling him out of a ditch to cutting him out of a briar patch, keeping poor Stumbles out of trouble was a full-time job,” continued O’Donnell in a shaky verklempt voice. “If we had only managed to get to him before he was able to slam his head into a cliffside 60 to 80 times, there’s a slight chance he might still be alive today.”
Adding, “Farewell old friend; we’re going to miss you, you idiot.”