Fredericton — Atlantic Canadian Superstores have noticed a distinct lull in shopping during weekend evenings, and are coming up with creative ways to combat low sales figures.
Sponsored by Kraft Singles, Superstores across the Maritimes are making Friday night “Singles Night.”
“If you’re single and ready to mingle, do it while stocking up on bananas and shampoo and bread,” said Gwyn Albright, manager of the southside Superstore in Fredericton. “Skip the crowded bars, do away with depressing Tinder, and just meet people right here in the aisles of your favourite grocery provider! If you’re buying the same kind of cereal you already have an ice-breaker, right?”
Albright said she herself met her husband at Superstore.
“I had just started working here, and I noticed he was struggling to use the self-checkout machine. He was cursing and swearing and saying ‘I already REMOVED the last item from the bagging area, you piece-a-shit!’ I really liked his fiery personality. I went over to help him out, and the rest is history.
“I just hope other people are as lucky as I am.”
Some singles are already planning to postpone their shopping trips till Friday night, in hopes of meeting “the one.”
“I think this’ll give me a chance to try out some of my grocery-specific pickup lines,” a perennially single Keith Pickton told our reporter. “How about this one: ‘Hey, baby, you’re like milk — I want to make you part of my complete breakfast.’ Which of course I’ll break out in the dairy section. Or, ‘You must be a fruit, cuz honeydew you know how fine you are?’ Or maybe, ‘Girl, you’re thicker than a bowl of oatmeal!’
“If none of those work, I’ve save the best for last: ‘I know you’re not on my grocery list, but I’m checkin’ you out!'”
After hearing these lines, it became clear to our reporter that Pickton will never find a mate, so we moved on to other interview subjects.
“I look like shit under these fluorescent lights,” said Sarah Munn, 31, “but on the other hand, if some guy is attracted to me in this lighting he’s probably not shallow and, you know, in it for the right reasons, as they say on reality TV.”
With that observation, Munn inadvertently revealed a secret that Superstore had hoped to keep under wraps until the first Singles Night — which is that a reality show will be filmed on location every Friday night chronicling the interactions of adventurous romantics.
“You didn’t hear it from me, but the fine folks from TLC will be creating a dramatic, important program on par with Say Yes to the Dress or My 600-lb Life,” Albright told us. “Anyone entering the store on Friday nights agrees to appear on camera — so, for once, Fredericton, don’t turn up in PJ pants and messy hair!”
Singles Night begins this evening at 7 p.m.