Moncton — An unidentified emotionally disturbed child is the leading suspect in a harassment and littering incident in Moncton this past weekend.
Finance Minister Cathy Rogers and newly minted Liberal nominee Courtney Pringle-Carver were startled on Sunday to find hundreds of crude scribblings purporting to be the two women strewn around their neighbourhoods. The so-called drawings depicted them as puppets of Roger Melanson and Brian Gallant.
“Well, I wouldn’t call them caricatures per se,” said Dr. Rogers, squinting at the drawing. “That usually involves some artistic skill or talent. This is more like a seething temper tantrum of a very nasty and immature boy with access to tracing paper and an immense amount of spare time. I wouldn’t have even known it was me without the name scribbled on it.
“He obviously has some sort of problem with women in positions of power,” she said. “Maybe he has mommy issues? I don’t know. My PhD is in sociology, not child psychology.”
Courtney Pringle-Carver was equally puzzled. “That poor little boy probably has no mommy to give him hugs; it’s a bit sad really. That said, I’ve known a few mean little boys in my lifetime and I know how to deal with them. This doesn’t faze me — if I see him bike by my house again, I’ll go have a talk with him.”
RCMP criminologist David Kinsley attempted to etch out a profile of the perpetrator for our reporter. “First of all, we think he probably spends a lot of time by himself. Nobody likes being around that kind of toxic personality. And, he’s obviously very timid and cowardly — he probably couldn’t look either of these women in the eye.
“It’s seems as though he’s very sexually frustrated…possibly born with a micropenis,” said Kinsley. “One thing’s for sure, we aren’t dealing with a fully grown man with an ounce of maturity or shame…or artistic talent either I suppose.
“If we can locate this child, we need to get him some consequences for his actions, some badly needed therapy and a colouring book to keep him out of trouble.”