Fredericton — In a historic political mishap, the New Brunswick government has enacted a mandatory order granting emergency COVID enforcement powers to the province’s teachers.
Due to several sick Tories missing a vote, a rogue Opposition motion was adopted by the Legislative Assembly earlier today, which gives any teacher the sweeping powers to enforce pandemic public safety.
Now, instead of being left to manage the front line of the pandemic for children of all ages, New Brunswick teachers have temporary powers to lay down the law.
“You mean I get to decide?” asked one incredulous Oromocto middle school teacher. “Really? Huh. Honestly, I’ve dreamt of a day like this for weeks!” Suddenly empowered, she wasted no time.
“Noah, I know your brother has COVID, and picks his nose 24/7. Go the hell home! And, tell your mother she’s got a $292.50 fine! That right, tell her not to mess with me unless she wants it to double!
“Emma, put on a mask now! You’re coughing like you’ve got COVID or TB — whatever it is, get it away from me! Go home now.
“Jacob, I know your parents sent you to school because they have COVID, and now they won’t come pick you up sick. This nice officer is going to drive you home, and tell your parents they now owe me $1,000! Boom! How do you like me now??”
The unnamed teacher began to get giddy having the power to do what she believed the province should be doing, after feeling victimized by the removal of restrictions. She walked into the principal’s office and turned on the PA system.
“Hey morons, put on your masks now!” she announced. “I don’t care what your mommy and dada say, put them on or go the hell home!”
“But the premier said we are all going to get it anyways,” protested one boy.
The teacher bent over to be an inch from the student’s unmasked face. “Look at me! LOOK AT ME! I’m the premier now!”