Hoyt — While some might think it’s a bridge too far, two teens in rural New Brunswick think it’s time that the provincial government figuratively burned some bridges to the past.
Two high-school students in Juvenile Settlement who were stranded by the Bell Bridge destruction are delighted to see the government tearing it down. Now, they are calling on the Department of Transportation and Infrastructure to get rid of the rest of the antiquated, outdated infrastructure as well.
“Good grief, it took them long enough to do something about that old bridge,” said marooned teen Brandon Pont. “There’s four-lane highway all across the province, and here we are with a 87-year-old podunk bridge made of popsicle sticks! Like, it didn’t even have two lanes!”
Classmate Declan Passerelle agrees. “These crappy old covered bridges have got to go. For the love of God, we can’t let young people become cut off and stranded in rat-holes like Juvenile Settlement. We are the only two actual juveniles who live in ‘Juvenile’ Settlement and we can barely stand each other.”
New Brunswick once had more than 300 covered bridges, but that number has now been reduced to only 59. While romanticized by the provincial government as “kissing bridges,” Pont says they are more like the kiss of death.
“Are they waiting for more vehicles to literally fall through these bridges before they replace them?” asked Pont. “Maybe we could get a bridge made of…hmmm…I don’t know…metal?! Would that be OK? I know we aren’t Riverview around here, but maybe we could have something not originally built for horses and buggies?”
When questioned about the bridges’ historical value and conserving New Brunswick heritage, the teens were unmoved. “It’s an actual bridge that people use, not a monument,” said Passerelle. “If Fort Howe in Saint John was still being used as a military base, I’m guessing folks would be fine with upgrading it a little bit.
“Trust me, it’s inhumane to be cut off like this. I can’t even get LTE coverage out here.”