Somewhere off the coast of New Brunswick — In the midst of the global pandemic, Hugh Manatee, our resident sub-marine field reporter, recently spent time in the Atlantic doing some investigative research. Tiger shark zoos and rehabilitation centres are a somewhat popular, however un-lucrative, lifestyle for many dwellers of the deep.
One such zoo owner, Joe Exoskeleton, a Shediac lobster and the proprietor of the Under-Water Zoo, has been publicly lobbying accusations against a rival tiger shark and lionfish owner for over a decade.
“That bitch Carole the Basking shark has been trying to ruin my life for years!” claims Joe, speaking with a ferocity in his voice and slamming his pinchers with every syllable.
Joe, who has a long antenna handlebar moustache and a vibrant blonde mullet running down the length of his carapace, has often been noted for his flamboyancy, but claims it helps him “sell his brand.”
The UW Zoo is home to more than 230 tiger sharks and lionfish, though according to Joe, it is he that everyone is really coming to see. “I am the Tiger Shark King,” he claims, “and I know for a fact that drives Carole crazy.”
Carole the Basking shark is the owner of Big Fish Rescue, an organization that gives sanctuary to neglected and abused tiger sharks, lionfish, and other piscine felines. Carole, who runs her own pod-cast (a network of gossiping dolphins), argues that Joe Exoskeleton’s zoo is tantamount to animal abuse and neglect.
“Well, first of all, I just wanted to say ‘hi’ to all you cool fish and fingerlings out there listening to this,” she said, then added, “And I just wanted to set the record straight: I do not condone the stark abuse of animals that happens on a daily basis at the UW Zoo. I think [Joe’s] zoo is awful, despicable, and should be shut down immediately.”
In response, the eccentric lobster dropped a bombshell accusation.
“That bitch Carole the Basking Shark killed her husband and fed him to the tiger sharks,” Joe claimed. “She doctored his will, stole all his money, and then killed him in cold blood.”
Doc Angler, a bioluminescent anglerfish, cultist, polygamist, and owner of yet another tiger shark zoo in the ocean’s depths, had this to say: “I mean we all know Carole is a criminal. She claims to only eat plankton, and uses that as her defence, but we all know she killed her husband. I heard she covered him in sardine oil and threw him in the pen with the tiger sharks.”
A special seven-part documentary is expected to be released on NetFish later this spring.